Hell hath no fire like a soap opera sex scene. Isn’t that right, people?
For those of you who like to pretend that you have never laid eyes on a soap in your entire lives, here’s a little bit of trivia that you'll never need or use. It appears that no couple in soap opera history—whether clandestine, engaged or married—could ever engage in sexual activities without the scorching aid of a roaring fireplace or the waxy glow of a thousand candles. From a hornitologist’s point of view, the association between sex and fire is primal and also elementary in its attempt to efficiently convey the feeling of two hot, sweaty, writhing bodies pumping and grinding against each other in the throes of uncontainable passion. However, there also seems to be a moral judgment hidden between the fiery tongues engulfing the sudsy lovers: SEX = SIN. It’s as if the networks were telling the audience: Sure, by all means, do follow the example of Brooke The Soap Slut and proceed to have sex with your daughter’s ex-husband, who’s now married to your fiancé’s ex-wife who just bore your biological child, the innocent fruit of an egg mix-up down at the lab where your daughter (the same that was married to your lover) trains as an unlikely fertility doctor, BUT remember:

“And what’s up with that music?” Asks Bob H. (31, Carpenter, temporarily unemployed) “No, seriously! Who the hell plays that cheesy shit during sex?”

Thank you, Bob H., for your candid comment and for admitting that you do watch soaps between jobs (your secret is safe with us). But your question is not the only question that comes to mind. More importantly, we would like to know: Who the hell lights all those candles in the bedroom and starts the fire in the fireplace, while the horny couple starts making out and ripping each other’s clothes off down in the living room?

We want answers!