Don’t be fooled by Hollywood’s claims of brotherly love; Achilles and Patroclus were definitely lovers. The only thing that remains unclear is whether their relationship was 100% egalitarian or pederastic. Since Patroclus was Achilles’ younger cousin, we’re going to go with pederastic. Oh yeah, right, they were also cousins—first cousins, to be exact—which would make their bond not just homosexual and pederastic, bu also incestuous. Seriously, who needs soap operas when you can read Homer and Aeschylus? And speaking of Aeschylus, in his lost tragedy, The Myrmidons, he clearly regarded the relationship as a sexual and pederastic one, appointing Achilles as the erastes (older lover and protector—read: top) and Patroclus as the eromenos (teenage lover, protégé—read: bottom). In a fragment of the tragedy, Achilles defines his relationship with his younger cousin in the following terms: “...devout union of the thighs”. ‘Nuff said.